If memory serves me (which it often doesn’t), our pal Wil Wheaton will be on CSI tomorrow night (Thursday the 10th).

In honor of the many, MANY parties I know everyone everywhere will be having to commemorate this, I proudly present…The Revised Wil-Centric CSI Drinking Game

(Revised (and stolen) from THIS CSI drinking game)

The CSI Drinking Game
Wil Wheaton Version

Take a swig (unless otherwise noted) when:

1. The camera zooms in on a piece of evidence and there is a “swoosh” sound as if you’ve been literally rushed into an extremely close encounter with that object.

2. There is a flashback to the events of the crime as some piece of crucial evidence is revealed. Usually those events are colored in some strange way to let the audience know that they are watching a flashback and not the regular show stuff.

3. A nested swig: During a flashback, the camera goes into a person’s body showing gruesome bone snappings and arterial explosions.

4. A montage of some crucial evidence being found in the lab while cool electronica music is playing (note: I am not complaining about their choice in music). This is my favorite part, meaning the part I laugh the most, since the lab portion of the show involves some extremely implausible science, like a DNA scan that takes 30 seconds.

5. There’s a dramatic close-up of Wil Wheaton.

6. A really bad pun is made by any of the characters. I know this is not exclusive to CSI, but the puns made on this show are somehow really bad.

7. A member of the CSI team has some extremely unlikely experience or contact that helps them with the case. Like “Oh, I know that mud since my grandfather worked in some remote area where he tracked home that mud one day, and I still somehow remember it.”

8. The camera pans over the city.

9. Some non-CSI cops interact with the CSI team, and since they’re not CSI, they’re really, really dumb.

10. Whenever a black light is used to find bodily fluids (yes, I know these are crucial to any case, but somehow the show makes it seem cool that they’re using it again and again).

11. Wil says a line that Wesley Crusher definitely would NEVER have said.

12. Do a full shot when Wil says a line that Wesley Crusher actually MIGHT have said.*

* This rule should be interpreted VERY liberally:

“Yes,” says Wil’s CSI character.

“WESLEY ONCE SAID ‘YES’!” everybody shouts! “DRINK!”

*******

Just a thought I had.

Everybody says Geese are mean.

Of COURSE Geese are mean. We EAT them! That’d piss anybody off, wouldn’t it? I mean, even CANADIANS would get peeved by THAT! And that’s saying something!

Example -

MAN (to GOOSE): Will you be my friend?

GOOSE (to MAN): HISSSS! HONK! HISSSS! (translation – You eat us! YOU EAT US, you sick, sick f*ckers!)

MAN (Aside): Wow. How mean. Not at all nice and friendly, like, say, a cow. Aren’t cows all happy and friendly? Why can’t you be happy and friendly, like a cow?

GOOSE: HISSSS! (translation – Asshat!)

MAN: I think I’ll go have a burger now.

Seriously. Is this such an unreasonable position for Geese to take?

They’re not mean. They’re SMART. They got us sussed out. They have our number. They’re on to us.

The moment to be scared is when they get the cows on their side. Or learn how to use guns. Or both.

THEN we’ll see “mean.”

John

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